Attempt 1
As Mrs Mcguinniety wolk in the open doors I saw not one not two not 3 but 5 blocks of royal gorgeous chocolate.
when mss meagunty opened the rapper I heard a rattle a crablel a cranss then
All was sightly not a sound well it did take awhile. When I taught it it felt like it wall
Malt in my hands. When I saw it looked like a brick. When I smelt it it tickled
My nose. When I tasted it it slowly faded in my mouth.
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Attempt 2
As Mrs Mcguinniety walked in the open doors I saw not one not two not 3 but 5 blocks of royal gorgeous chocolate.
when mss meagunty opened the rapper I heard a rattle a crackle and a crunch. Then
all was silent not a sound. Well it did take Mrs McGuinniety a while to open the packet. When I felt it it felt like it will melt in my hands. When I saw it looked like a brick. When I smelt it it tickled my nose . I smelt vanilla too. When I tasted it it slowly faded in my mouth.The chocolate melted in my mouth. It tasted creamy and moist with a rich flavour. |
Hi Tennessee,
ReplyDeleteWhen I read your blog posts, I was really excited to read something about Chocolate. I wish I had been in your class that day when you had to write about it, because I am a chocoholic. I think the best bit would have been tasting it. I thought you had improved in your writing between the first and second attempt. You included all the five senses. I liked how you used onomatopoeia to describe the sounds of the wrappers. Also I thought the synonym you used for melting ... fading, was a great way to describe how that chocolate disappeared in your mouth. When you read through your writing, just check that you aren't putting capitals on words that don't need it. Remember capitals go on the names of people, places, pets, products e.g. Cadbury and at the start of a sentence. Keep up the good work!